The Feng Shui universe is populated by some sinister forces. Here we read the chicken scratchings in the dirt and provide updates on what the usual suspects have in store for you and how to ameliorate their potential for havoc. These “intangible heritage” stars have picky diets, and this year they’re hungry for chicken, rabbit, dog and rat. Remember what grandma told you: don’t sit on wet concrete, and don’t face a Tai Sui or sit in the Year Breaker’s seat.
On Sunday, CLSA took Tang Jie out for some dim sum and a chat on all things Tai Sui. Though Tang is one of 60 great generals through whose hands the guardianship of the Tai Sui is entrusted, it’s not gone to his head. He remains a modest chap who loves nothing more than to bite the head off a rabbit, slice the head of anyone who gets in his way, and down it all with a nice lager. Asked about his background, he recalled studying martial arts when he was still young and alive. A talented student, he was soon sent to cut the heads from querulous southerners. His final tally came to 190 - certainly not up there with the grand butchers from the last century but in his self-effacing way General Tang represents the superior tradition of serial killers who know when enough is enough. We paid the bill and, in return, he showed us the two lockets he’s had made with two localist lawmakers in them. Tang is going to occupy the west so if you’re getting the ferry to Lantau or the MTR to Tsuen Wan or Tuen Mun, sit facing backwards.
Due east is the Year Breaker’s position. Anything seated east and facing west is likely to be afflicted. You have three options: change direction, minimise antagonising this happy fella, or purchase a magnet large enough to alter the directions wherever you are - and make sure you get one which will do the same in the netherworld; you don’t want great-grandpa stirring up a racket on account of his tomb facing a particular direction.
The Three Killings sit in the east. Particularly dangerous this year as they pair up with the Year Breaker to ensure maximum mischief. But one Rooster’s grain is another Rooster’s scratch; if you’ve been making money where you shouldn’t, and need an excuse, then a mild dose of the Three Killings will afflict you with penury, and confine you to a wheelchair with an oxygen mask. Otherwise the usual applies, three qilins, those magical beasts, by your door will quieten these pesky beasts.
The malicious Five Yellow sits in the south. The best way to obviate its function is to place a large, circular, brass disk in that direction. We hope the factories in Dongguan crank it up this year because the sun, when viewed through mid to high-level pollution, is a large, circular, brass disk. Eat that, Five Yellow. Another method of blocking these bad vibes involves placing Feng Shui compasses in the same quarter.