| Click on the zodiac signs to check each forecast |
| The Snake |
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SSSUCKY YEAR
Executive summary: Bit of a hisser |
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Sssupporting Ssstars: Lucky, Auspicious
Ssscoundrel Ssstars: Inauspicious, Emotional, Bloodshed, Prickly, Indolent, Tai Sui
Famous Snake folk: James Bond, Bob Dylan, JK Rowling, Xi Jinping, Yang Liwei
It just doesn't seem right, eh? It's your year, but instead of three cheers you're more
likely to cop one over the ear. It's just the feng shui of the world. So moan on your
own or take it in your slide. Think of it as a great opportunity to test your mettle. And,
as the doctor said to the boy who'd swallowed another marble: 'This too shall pass.' |
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| Twelve months in four easy pieces |
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Health |
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| A little down? Don't eat the duck.
We jest. But with His Vexcellency*
there staring daggers of disapproval
if you so much as blink, you can
expect a bit of stress this year. Care
for yourself like the precious gem you
are. Mr Grumpy will grouse off soon. |
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Wealth |
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| The good news is it's not too bad.
The bad news is it's not that good.
You'll need to navigate a caution
of caveats to collect the ka-ching!
Such as the "don't" 3Gs: gamble
(betcha can't); be greedy (cheapens
you); be a gull (snake-toil salesmen). |
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| *Tai Sui, who occupies the SE3 sector of the Snake in 2013. |
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Love |
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| Oh, you sexy sinuous serpents! And
yet to such little account this year.
You may as well chase your own
tail for all the action you're likely to
get. Flick your wicked tongue and
tempt all Eve if you wish, but it's no
Paradice. All talk, no trouser, Snakes. |
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Career |
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| An Australian Prime Minister's wife
once primly dismissed a critic as
'lower than a snake's duodenum'.
That's about the level to keep your
bonce this year. Shotheads can't hit
what they can't see. Sniff the wind,
grow with the flow and slide it out. |
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| Charting your course |
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 Back to top |
| The Horse |
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SSSO-SO YEAR
Executive summary: Mane be ssso ordinary |
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Sssupporting Ssstars: Success
Ssscoundrel Ssstars: Tragedy, Unlucky, Void, Extravagant, Harmful
Famous Horse folk: Jackie Chan, Rolf Harris, Hu Jintao, Angela Merkel, Wen Jiabao
Whoa! What's not to like? It's no laydown whinny-winner, but there's neigh point in
looking about for trouble. Besides which, a mirror will soon show what's most likely
to trip you up this year. Don't be an ass! Reload that ever-reliable Horse sense, get
your head in the right place and see how easily "ordinary" becomes "oat-standing". |
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| Twelve months in four easy pieces |
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Health |
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| There's no question that you've
got the legs for the Great Race
and much more besides, but how
is the old head? Ah, the mind!
What a marvellous machine - and
one of those fiddly, unfathomable
Enigma ones, at that. Got to love it! |
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Wealth |
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| At worst, your wealth looks stable -
but only the lazy or grazy'd saddle
for that. Name of the mane game is
being a force on the bourse, Horse.
It's "first past the post" and with the
rider stuff and your ears pinned for
the wind, you'll clean up neighsly. |
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Love |
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| Looks like pretty well every equine
in Cupid's queue catches a quiver
of the ol' magic balderdust this year.
What mushy, gushy gumpf ensues!
We'd advise giving it up for the late
great Godfather of Soul - which is
as close as most will get to The One. |
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Career |
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| 'No options' often belies a lack of
imagination. But it'snort an issue for
work-Horses, who face a surfeit of
tasty choices. What to do? An old
man once told us telepathically:
'Choose divorce, Luke.' Not hitched;
not our name. Odd. Any use to you? |
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| Charting your course |
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| The Sheep |
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SUCKY YEAR
Executive summary: Sheep be right, mate |
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Sssupporting Ssstars: Um . . .
Ssscoundrel Ssstars: Aggressive, Mourning, two Conflicts, Mishap, Despair
Famous Sheep folk: Coco Chanel, Chow Yun-fat, George Harrison, Zhang Ziyi
Jeepers Sheepsters, we 'feel your pain', as Big Bill was wont to coo in that way that
you almost believed him. Being dogged by seven surly stars is no fun. But banish the
bleatin' and you'll soon have the fleas beaten. And as the teacher said encouragingly
to the boy struggling to unravel an unruly sentence: 'This too shall parse.' |
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| Twelve months in four easy pieces |
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Health |
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| Rams and lambs, ewe mutton let
things get on top of you - things like
SUVs driven by people incapable of
keeping a shopping trolley on track.
Sheep peeps shor'need their sleeps.
If ewe can't count on yourselves for
that, try reading Finnegan's Wake. |
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Wealth |
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| 'Sheep be right, mate,' as the bluetongue
lizards of Oz opine betwixt
drinks. You'll earn it the hard way
this year, and be all the better for
it. Bettor? Better not. Throw the die
round with dogs; set-up for fleece.
Leave gambolling to Spring lambs. |
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Love |
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| Whether ewe yearn a soul mate or
just a soulless date, there's mutton
much doing - your fate's not great.
Net great, you say? "Click" go the
sheared - and shor'nuff, like clams
to the water, flocks of fleecy types
will be bleatin' a path to your door. |
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Career |
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| Movin' on up? Travelling, anyway.
Which could mean anything from
a gruelling fact-finding tour of some
of the world's top luxe resorts to a
longer commute after "promotion"
to the Tin Shui Wai branch. And
ewes to say which'd be worsted? |
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| Charting your course |
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| The Monkey |
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SSSO-SO YEAR
Executive summary: Nuts so bad |
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Sssupporting Ssstars: Benefactor, Feminine, Harmonious
Ssscoundrel Ssstars: Enslaved, Entagling, Harmful, Illness, Violent, Sorrow, Punishment
Famous Monkey folk: Leonardo da Vinci, Han Yu, Socrates, Yao Ming
From where we're standing, it doesn't look as if it would take much to nudge that
"ssso-so" up into "Sweet Street" territory or even higher up da vine. Sure, you've got
seven ssso-and-ssso skunks to keep an eye on, but just look at the names who've got
your back! Get your tail into gear, and razzle-dazzle with the old Monkey magic. |
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| Twelve months in four easy pieces |
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Health |
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| You're as lively as a barrel full of
. . . ah, yes. Two things to mind in
a paranoid manner - both bruising.
Just because the cars aren't out to
get you doesn't mean they won't.
And as for backstabbing gossips,
well, they really are out to get you. |
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Wealth |
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| Your wealth is "recovering", which
sounds as if it's just got back from
holiday in Colombia. We'll not pry.
The good news is it's on the mend
and we're not talking peanuts (that
would be our bonus). Who's got a
lovely bunch of coconuts, then? |
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Love |
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| Ever had a hanker for a rock 'n' roll
love-lifestyle, with more ups and
downs (emotionally speaking) than
Groucho's eyebrows? Has the Snake
got a rollercoaster year ready for
you Monkeys! You're spoken for?
OK, a nice cup of tea then. |
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Career |
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| Heads up: Keep your crown down,
ears open, lip zipped 'n' nose clean.
The boss is itchin' to dish a bitchin'
as sniping by colleagues becomes
machinegun chatter. Get wise, guys;
don the shy guise; use the sly eyes;
and keep out of that lyin' of ire. |
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| Charting your course |
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| The Rooster |
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SSSUPER YEAR
Executive summary: Cockydoodle you! |
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Sssupporting Ssstars: Wealth, Achievement, Commanding, Auspicious
Ssscoundrel Ssstars: Separation, Conniving, Slander, Grievance, Disaster, Unlucky, Libel
Famous Rooster folk: James Brown, Yoko Ono, Ye Jianying, Neil Young
As Family Guy's Peter Griffin would put it (ad nauseam): 'B-b-b-bird, bird, bird,
b-bird's the word . . . ' You Roosters surely must be getting sick of this chicken run of
spanking good luck you've been having? Wouldn't like to toss a few crumbs our way?
Oh well, never mind. Now, what is it they make feather-dusters from . . . |
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| Twelve months in four easy pieces |
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Health |
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| Two risks, Chicks. First, don't get
yourselves run down, especially
with flu on the loose. Second,
don't get yourselves run down -
you don't want the last words you
ever hear to be a yolk joke: 'Why
did that Chicken cross the road?' |
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Wealth |
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| Shake that tael-feather and flex your
pecks. You cocky Layers are players
- and stayers, to boot. Our take is
you Clucks have the pluck to parlay
your luscious luck into big bucks.
Fate is playing your fortune and it
sounds like We're in the money. |
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Love |
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| Ah, love is in the air. Pity you can't
fly. No mind, that smile-high thing
is such cuddle-class, back-of-theplane-
Jane stuff anyway. Stick to
the grassroots, we say, and surf the
home turf. No itch left unscratched
with cheeky Chooks. Wing-wink! |
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Career |
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| Looks like a challenging year ahead,
Chicks, and we don't mean in that
"hate-cha" doubletalk way. You'll
have the opportunity to really show
your talons - and to be hen-somely
rewarded. Ignore the envy from the
peanut gallery's chicken-feed breed. |
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| Charting your course |
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| The Dog |
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SSSUPER YEAR
Executive summary: Looks A-OK9! |
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Sssupporting Ssstars: Advancement, Kindness, Romance
Ssscoundrel Ssstars: Indulgence, Illness
Famous Dog folk: David Bowie, Rahul Gandhi, Akira Kurosawa, Yang Zhenning
Talk about a turnaround story! If only we could have bought lots of lots of you lot last
year, when you were totally out in the dog house and on the cold, wet nose. Now
you're baaark! And you're practically leader of the zodiac pack. Howl lovely to see.
Suddenly, Iggy Pop almost makes sense: 'I just wanna be your dawwg . . . ' Woof! |
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| Twelve months in four easy pieces |
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Health |
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| You're in such tail-thumpingly rude
form it's all we can do not to bitchslap
you all. Swear to dog, though,
it's just what the dog-tor ordered
for a year that promises to be both
energising and exhausting. (You heel
so well, anyway! Now, play dead.) |
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Wealth |
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| Even if only half of it goes roughly
to plan, you'll coin it like Croesus.
But prick your ears, Pooch Peeps,
and listen well, lest you land in the
poop or worse: Strap the trap and
stay out of bow-row-rows - bloodsucking
legal eagles circle o'erhead. |
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Love |
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| Don't expect pickups on these suave
lines this year: 'Grab yer shiny coat,
you're poodled.' In fact, the outlook
for Tail-chasers is so doggone twee
it grrrates. Players 'n' strayers become
payers 'n' stayers; bitches flick their
switches; attackers go slack-as . . . |
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Career |
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| Not tiring of this outrageous run of
luck? We ask only becurs, come
2H, you may hear the first sour
notes amid the chorus of hosannas
from every man and his dog. Any
upside in snapping back? Better to
bite your tongue; bide your time. |
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| Charting your course |
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| The Pig |
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SSSUCKY YEAR
Not squeally great |
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Sssupporting Ssstars: Auspicious, Voyager
Ssscoundrel Ssstars: Extravagant, Trouble, Danger, Disaster, Tai Sui
Famous Pig folk: Lance Armstrong, Gustave Eiffel, Lee Kwan Yew, Liu Xiang
It's more than a boar knowing some unseen, all-powerful presence is tracking your
every move - and that's just Google. You poor Porkers have the Tai Sui on your tails
as well. Snout to do but your best: Stuck pigs squeal and quit; stoic pigs deal with it.
As the dentist said to the boy with the makings of an abcess. 'This tooth shall pus.' |
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| Twelve months in four easy pieces |
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Health |
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| When the goin' gets trough, groanin'
'n' gettin' stuffed just won't cut it.
Porquoi? Bore the obvious reason:
You can't fly unless you're in pig
condition. You know the brill drill:
Don't fill with swill; get plenty of
roast; and lots of walkies, Porkies. |
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Wealth |
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| Bringing home the bacon's nout a
problem; it's making the buck stop
there. Curly retail therapy for what
sales thee? That's no cure, Hams.
If you can't mend your spend, at
least throw dough at something that
may return the favour, with interest. |
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Love |
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| We've not seen such universal slack
of interest since Madonna last let
fly. If truffles are thin underground
close to home, try rooting foreign
fields. It's not who you know but
the 'net result, you know? In your
case, though, it still comes up zero. |
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Career |
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| If you've seen old news footage of
Beatlemania, you'll have an idea
of your year - except your "fans"
have all got bones to pig with you.
Of course they're all pigmies, but
they can do a mean spit roast. Best
strategy? Keep out of Ham's way. |
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| Charting your course |
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| Back to top |
| The Rat |
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SSSO-SO YEAR
Executive summary: Gnaw too shabby |
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Sssupporting Ssstars: Benefactor, Prosperity, Aspiring
Ssscoundrel Ssstars: Calamity, Disaster
Famous Rat folk: Silvio Burlusconi, Scarlett Johansson, Ozzy Osbourne, Leo Tolstoy
Leaving aside the caveat of 'the best-laid plans' and all that, your fortune is looking
well on the bright side of "average" - indeed within a whisker of "wonderful" for
many, especially Water Rats. That said (and twitch his own of course), use the old
Mouse nous and go easy on the squeaks and squeals of delight. Gets up a few noses. |
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| Twelve months in four easy pieces |
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Health |
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| Give Freud the boid and develop
a serious oral fixation - more than
just a cure for ratbaited breath or
furry mouse of a morn. Oh well,
your floss if you chews to ignaw . . .
you'll feel a right orthodonkey when
the dentsk-tsk fits your rodentures. |
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Wealth |
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| You've got an itchin', twitchin' nose
for the needful. Dough should rise
swell, but warrants a close watch
and timely turns to ensure it earns
rat-urns you could rat-ire on. Next
year may find you scratchin' for
scratch. Burnt paws for thought. |
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Love |
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| There mayn't be no cure, as Cohen
keens, but pity not the afflicted for
most are hypochondriacs. Impaired
rats: Patience is what the good doc
ordered, but does your mate have
enough? Singles: Pickup lines are
for groceries. Top shelf looks tasty. |
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Career |
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| "Back-rat-cha" as much as you like
at the gold-tooth flash brat leering
from the mirror at home. But while
at work, lift your sighs and aim for
humble. So easy to find the "rat" in
"grateful", but gnawed the reverse.
Indulge in a dormouse meek-over. |
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| Charting your course |
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| The Cow |
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SSSUPER YEAR
Executive summary: Milk it! |
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Sssupporting Ssstars: Success, Harmonious, Aspiring
Ssscoundrel Ssstars: Unlucky, Desolate, Lonely
Famous Cow folk: George Clooney, Li Bai, Jawaharlal Nehru, Barack Obama
How's "wow" sound, Cows? That's the word for the Herd once the Snake's on the
make. Content is king, as a bullish Bill Gates argued, and there should be few more
contented than you mob come the close, given the crème de la crème outlook. No
call for grabbing bulls by horns - simply take the year by the ears and life as it comes. |
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| Twelve months in four easy pieces |
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Health |
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| Cud be better - that's probably the
cause of most of your ailments. Be
wary of dairy and choose your
chews carefully. Steer clear of toxic
shocks, rusty locks, wet socks and
any poxy fox . . . or you may end up
at the doc's. Lucerne up a bit, hay? |
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Wealth |
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| Oddly, it's likely no one has heifer
called you a bull. So we'd wager
there's no need to cownsel against
a gambol - herdest thing from your
mind, eh? Yet your steady moneymaking
style is set to deliver bullion
by the bucket. Cownt those coins! |
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Love |
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| Not a word from us this year about
what horny beasts ye be; getting
your ox off; taking a tumble in the
hay; or rolling over 'n' over in clover.
We'll even pass on those knowing,
wild gloats and other such facile
mooble entendre. How groan up. |
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Career |
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| About time? To the plotters, not the
plodders, go the spoils as a rotten
rule. But it's your oats-annas they'll
be singing all the year long. Accept
the praise (and likely raise) with
graze. On the udder hand, milk it
till it curdles! Calf your luck. |
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| Charting your course |
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| The Tiger |
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SSSUCKY YEAR
Executive summary: Grr-ouchy |
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Sssupporting Ssstars: Benevolence, Auspicious, Fortune
Ssscoundrel Ssstars: Robbery, Failure, Dispute, Calamity, Six Harmful Clashes
Famous Tiger folk: Hugh Hefner, Karl Marx, Ho Chi Minh, Michelle Yeoh
It may well feel like a jungle out there this year for you Striped Types, what with all
the snipes, gripes and swipes. To get you through, take your cue from the Fab Four
over the Stones and Let It Be. (You can always Let It Bleed later). And read the fineprint.
As the chef said to the young apprentice with a sniff: 'This stew's well past.' |
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| Twelve months in four easy pieces |
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Health |
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| Fred Nietzsche was wont to advise
relishing life's rough stuff ("What
doesn't kill me . . . ") and it may well
be the best way to get through this
bahumbug of a year, Tiges. There's
sure no upside in fretting, sweating
and letting it all wear you down. |
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Wealth |
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| Money can't buy you happiness? We
are ever ready and willing (if, sadly,
unable) to give it a shot. Interests of
science and all that. "Rich Uncle"
Star 8 is your ray of hope this year.
It may not leave the kitty groaning,
but a grin or two won't go astray. |
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Love |
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| More purrrdah than purrrple patch
on the purrrsonal front for Felines.
Don't be surprised to receive 'wish
you were here' holiday postcards
from your mojo. Fret nyet, Pet. It'll
be back swoon. You'll just have to
stroke your own ego in the interim. |
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Career |
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| Your insistence that it's your way or
their funeral can peers off sensitive
colleagues. Fancy! Pygmies perhaps,
but they can blow a mean dart. So
maybe temper the temper this year?
Put the roars on pause, store those
claws and just play it cool, Cats. |
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| Charting your course |
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| Back to top |
| The Rabbit |
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SSSO-SO YEAR
Executive summary: Bounder get better |
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Sssupporting Ssstars: Achievement
Ssscoundrel Ssstars: Hazardous, Devious, Calamity, Injury, Mourning
Famous Rabbit folk: Albert Einstein, Hu Yaobang, Jet Li, George Orwell
Amid machinations infernal, hop springs eternal - and with good cause in your case,
Bunnies. The outlook may not be quite 24-carrot just yet, but it's still leaps and
bounds ahead of what you've been catching of late. And there'll be high-fiving all
round when the hooves of next year's fiery Horse hit the horizon. |
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| Twelve months in four easy pieces |
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Health |
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| You've more bounce per ounce in
just one of your floppy, flappy ears
than most folk in their entire bods.
But you dynamos need lots of TLC,
watt? Healthy ohm cooking; ample
rest; and almost any exercise that
involts getting the ticker tocking. |
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Wealth |
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| In the words of the hoodoo guru,
'get on the good foot' and 'shake
that money maker' (although 'like
a sex machine' is optional). Either
way, you'll feeeel good! The odds
of spanking speculative returns are
high. Timing is all; greed ain't good. |
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Love |
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| You know what they say about
rabbits - well, this year looks like
a rule-proving exception. Folding
up your jimjams may be as near
as you get to pillow torque. No
bad thing, given most post-cordial
gibber we've endured. |
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Career |
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| If you want something done, they
say, ask a busy person - at least it's
what we lazy, layabout loafers say.
You are that person this year, Big
Ears, because you'll be busier than
a bee with hives. Burning yearning
for learning? Can't hurt the earning. |
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| Charting your course |
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| Back to top |
| The Dragon |
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SSSO-SO YEAR
Executive summary: Bit short of puff 'n' stuff |
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Sssupporting Ssstars: Happiness, Achievement
Ssscoundrel Ssstars: Desire, Calamity, Illness, Precariouos, Discord, Enslaved
Famous Dragon folk: Deng Xiaoping, Li Ka-shing, Bruce Lee, Wang Xiaobo
The good news? Your fortune's far flasher than it was for last year. The bad news?
That's probably not saying a lot, eh? We jest. Well, jest a bit. A fascinating thing,
relativity - all the more so if you've got the foggiest notion of the theory behind it.
Best left to the Einsteins, no doubt. Quark, strangeness and charm indeed. |
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| Twelve months in four easy pieces |
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Health |
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| If we read it right, this past year has
been more stressful than restful and
odds are you've had a gutful. Not
naggin', Dragons, just flaggin' that
you're sort of saggin'. Sleep is cheap
(but not a pip less priceless for that).
And the smoking? Not a good look. |
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Wealth |
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| Naught worth the braggin', Dragons,
but it's getting better all the time -
and will do for the first six months,
anyway. The bulk of your bundle is
from the sweat of your brow, with
a windfall or two to keep you keen.
Ideal speculation? Idle, more like. |
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Love |
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| There's something enchanting about
you Dragons - and this year the dial
is on 11! We hope you know how
to turn it down. One tires of being
mobbed by admirers - trust us. And
it's a love that's only ever skin deep
(which has always suited us, frankly). |
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Career |
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| That ambition you've kept slowburn
smouldering for so long now
you think it's dyspepsia rather than
a dream? Well, its time has come.
Let it grow, let it go, let it fly. It may
crash and burn, but nothing from a
Dragon's heart can ever disappoint. |
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| Charting your course |
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